I Jus Dnt Kno

I'm happy and sad right now. Moma knows that I'm still with my girl and that is why I can't get my license to drive right now. She knows that I may be at her her house every chance I get...now she didn't just come out and say it, but I know she was thinking it when she said "You're not ready for it yet." Why can't she believe that Keda is the best for me, no man can do for me like she can. No guy can make me as happy as she does whenever we talk. Why can't she understand that my love is only hers. She will never understand that I'M ENGAGED TO HER, and my heart is only for her and will only be hers. I'll soon be wearing the ring of my girl, I'll be married to her, and I'll bear her children. The thought of those beautiful brown eyed babies made just for us is exciting. I want nothing more than to be with her and to share the life we've planned out together. I can think of nothing better....though sometimes I am concerned about this. What if this is not going to work the way we planned? What if I can't give her the kids she want because of this? because of the troubles and problems we've both caused. I don't think what I should think. Maybe I should take a few days and isolate myself away from the world to think. I guess that that would best for me. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my baby Keda. I just don't know.

Phone Tag........not it!

I'm getting so freaking sick of this. I know it's not her fault but I can't help getting upset when I know her mother nor her sister has told her I called. I miss her so much and this is driving me insane. I want my baby but its like I can never reach her anymore. Then when she calls me, I can never answer the phone cause my mother is staring down my throat to see who I'm talking to and how I'm talking to them. I am so freaking sick of this crap, my life is so fucked up since I temporarily lost my baby. I'm so stressed out that I concern smoking to calm my nerves. This is so not my favorite things that has ever happened to me. Why is it so hard to talk to my lover. I hate not hearing her voice just as much as she hate not hearing mine. Do you know yesterday I spent my whole day writing down what I miss the most about her and what she use to do that made my heart skip beats. How when she use to kiss my neck, i moaned softly in her ear. How she loves when I bit on her neck and kiss on her. I also remember how she came in on me taking a shower (even tho I left the door unlocked on purpose so she could) and damn near pulled me out right then and there. And when I did get out the shower how she had me on my dresser pulling her hair and screaming (& creaming). I'm sorry I had to say that, but you just don't understand how bad I NEED some form MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My kitty kat has been longing for her tongue and fingers (and MY dick). I'm really horny and this blog was suppose to be about the fact that we don't get much time to talk, but it turned into something a lot more serious. I want my baby on me right now. I'm gonna wrap this up until I can get myself together. BYE!!!!

Better Than ME!!!

I'm so confused. My life is so messed up right now. I mean my momma wants me to be one way and I really don't want to lose my girl. I love her more than anything in the world. She has my heart, my mind, and my soul. She is the one that I want to spend my entire life with. I had my whole life planned out around her. She is my world! I'm so lost, it's not funny. I hate having to hide who I am, who I really want to be just because someone can't handle it. Then again, I can't lose my family. This is the biggest decision that I have ever had to make. It sometimes feels like the world is tearing apart at the seams. I want so bad to tell my mother that "I am my own person and that I can make my own decisions about how I want to spend my life." I can't believe that I've let this come to this. Maybe if I had stayed at MASE and stayed in secret of who I am, I would have never met my baby Kesha and I would have not been able to hurt the way that I have now. I kick myself everyday for letting it get to this and have to hurt my baby like I have. She deserves so much more than me! But am I selfish that I don't want to let her go and find someone who can do her so much better than I can at this moment. I want nothing more then her happiness and I feel like she's not as happy as she should be with me and this time. I sometimes wish for days that she would find someone who can give her the time she needs. I don't know what to think sometimes. Maybe she does need better than me.