This Pain Is So Real

If anything in my life could be changed it would have to be the death of my brother. He was the only person I felt I could go to when I needed to. He was my strength and my comforter. He did cause he great pain from time to time, but he was my brother. He watched after me even when I thought I was too damn grown for that. I remember growing up until I was about 14 years old, everyone on our block knew me as Andre's Lil Sista. I was the most protected person anywhere we lived. No matter where we were I was always Andre's Lil Sista. I remembered how I came to find out that my brother was no longer with us. I was at school and one of the ladies from the office came to get me out of class because I was about to check-out. I thought, "Yes, my mama is here to get me." I was so happy to be leaving there. It was when I found out that it wasn't my mother in the office that I knew something was wrong. She'd never let anyone come get me from school, especially a co-worker. The whole ride to her job my mind was racing. I thought so many things that five minutes, but the thing was I thought all types of bad things happened to my mother, not my brother. I guess that's the first thing anybody would think of, maybe because people think that a person who had just turned 20 not a full month ago would not be leaving this world so soon. I didn't know what will about to happen and it only got worst as I walked into my mother's office only to be quickly embraced by my aunt and uncle who don't even work anywhere close to my mother's job. I couldn't do anything to stop the tears from rolling down my face even though I didn't know what had happened. After I saw my mother was in her boss' office crying, I was confused. What happened? She's okay, so what's going on?...are some of the questions that went through my head. After they told me that my brother had been killed about a week ago (Dec. 9Th) and they were just telling us (Dec. 16Th) because they couldn't find out who his family was. I couldn't cry anymore, my face was stone. The rest of the day was a blur to me, I only remember going home and going straight to sleep. The next day I went to school not wanting to be around my depressed family members. My mother talked to my principal and told him, and I never would have thought that the man who had (almost) every child in that school shaking in fear from his voice, had a heart and was compassionate with me. He let me sit in his office until I was ready to go to class and told all my teachers what happened for me. I can honestly say that I am thankful for him. The rest of the day came and went, I went so bad to take my anger out on all those people who thought they understood how I felt. Not one of them had lost someone they were as close to as I was with my brother. After that I missed several days up until the funeral, I couldn't take being around all those fake people at MASE. I had to be strong for my family that whole time and I became stressed and sick. I was making myself sick slowly everyday. Now , 3 years later, I'm finally getting a chance to be able to let go completely. I've cried a few nights, just because, and I've isolated myself anyone I feel like it. I've isolated myself at school and I don't care what any of my friends think about my new attitude. It's my choice what I want to. The only people I have ever been able to talk to is my ex Brandon, because he was there with me when it all happened and he helped me through it. He helped me keep my head on straight and looked now for me. Even now in December, he makes sure that I'm feeling okay and that I haven't been stressing myself. But now I have my baby Kesha. Keda is the only person that I know that should gone through the same thing I have. She lost someone even closer than my brother, her father. I love her so much more everyday because she let's me know that I don't have to hide how I feel to keep her happy and not bring her down. She let's me know everyday that I'm stronger than I think I am. I love her so much for that. She has made my life worth living because I know that I'll have her forever and ever.