Worthless

I hate feeling so helpless, so worthless. I hate not being able to help her through this hard time in her life, when she needs me the most. There is nothing I wouldn't do more than to be able to help her, and to make sure that everything in her life is going just right. I don't know what to do with myself. I go the whole day worrying if she has been something bad or has given up on everything that we have tried so hard to reach in OUR future. I want her to be okay, I want her to be able to call me when she needs me the most. I want her to be strong for me as well as for her. I want her to try to be strong for our future family. I can't take no knowing what is going on in my lover's mind. I told my uncle that she needed to talk to him about something. I told him that she was struggling with her inner self. He told me to tell her to call him. I really wish that she would. I love her and I don't want her to go through this alone.

Right Here, Right Now!

Today is just one of those days. I wanted so bad to see my baby, she was so close to me today but she had left before my mother could leave the parking lot. I wanted so bad to be in her arms and see her smiling with her eyes the way I've always loved to see. Maybe I could find a way to get to her tomorrow when the wedding is all over and I'm on my own. I miss her so much and I felt like today would be so perfect if I saw her, touch her face, be with her for only one second. I don't know what to do right now. I'm stressed and going crazy over my age, and it seems like the only reason for me to keep my insanity is being with her. I'm so sad that I can't get to be with my baby on this holiday that is vastly approaching. I want to be with her. I miss the touch of her skin against mine and the way that she laughed at me when I made funny noises or tried to act as if I'm mad at her. I miss the way her teeth sink into my skin when she bites me on my legs or and butt. I don't whats going on in my head. I just want my baby with me right here, right now.

This Dreaded Holiday called Sweetheart's Day

The day is vastly approaching and the world is going crazy as we know it. The dreaded Valentine's Day will be here before you know it and it's depressing when you know that you can not be with the one person you love. You can't be surrounded in their love and smothered with their kisses. You can't spend the day with them and it hurts you so bad.

I mean like me, I can't be with my girl if I could. I'm stuck in a wedding for my cousin and on "lesbian house arrest" for the duration of my time at home with my mother. I want so bad to be cooking dinner for her, spend the night in her arms, and do whatever else I can think of with her. I don't feel right not spending this time of the year without my baby by my side. She means the world to me and I feel so lucky that I can be her fiance' and one day marry her. I'm so happy that I will be able to take care of her instead of how it was in the beginning when she would always give to me and not take anything I offered her. I want her to be able to let me help her when she needs it the most. I want us to be a family unit together, with OUR children.

It hurts so bad knowing that I can't be in her arms comforting her when I should, laying my head on her shoulder while we're in bed talking. I hate spending this horrible holiday alone, with no one to openly spoil me with gifts, flowers, and candies. I'm forced to see all these girl walk around here with their bears and flowers marking the years-- or maybe the months, that they have been with the other person all the while I'm suffering from loneliness. The thing that makes me so mad is the fact that these little girls out here are not going to appreciate what that special someone is doing for them, and they go out and mess with other guys &/or females. Why do they do that? The person that does it all they need and want has to suffer because she does not appreciate what they are being given. Little girls are something else with themselves. What I wouldn't give to have my baby serve me and pleasure me on this day, or even the other way around. Why the hell am I torturing myself over this g**-awful holiday? I really don't know to tell you the truth. I guess it is because I can't see my baby or spend that much needed time with her. The kind of time that she needs the most, the kind I want more than the whole world over. I guess I'm just stupid for letting this get to me the way it has.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

I'm so excited that my baby actually came through for me and got me the engagement ring that I wanted. She is the most wonderful and loving person in the world and I love her because of it. She got me the ring the ring I wanted and I will become Mrs. Smith and a little while. I was so excited that I forgot to make her do it the right way: to ask me the question that went with the ring. I told all my friends today and they were excited for me too, even though I think some of them might be thinking that there is no way I can get married to a female. I don't care what they think, I'm happy with my baby and if we couldn't get married legally, I would still call myself her wife and be just as committed to her as a real husband and wife SHOULD be. I love her so much its unbelieveable. And to have HER ring on MY finger is just icing on my perfect little wedding cake. I also....later on in the day....found the note that she had slipped in by mistake. I made tried to put the ring away in the box when the white part fell out, and thats when I saw the note folded perfectly in the inside of the little blue box (not Tiffany's). Now I'm glad that I did take the box, because I really was thinking about leaving it with her. I really want to get her a ring of her owns. A ring that shows her that I love her just as much as she loves me and that I want her to be mine as long as we both shall live. I want her to be my hubby and for her to have a symbol of my love on her finger just like I have one on mine. I want us to be always and forever Mr. & Mrs. Smith!!!!!

Wat I Reallii Mean...S2~L.R.S~S2

I'm so glad that I saw my girl today. She surprised me today which I thought that was really sweet. I'm kinda glad that Toyia did come to see me today, because if she hadn't I would have never would have walked towards the parking lot and I wouldn't have seen my baby. Though Toyia was a little disappointed that she wasn't gonna get my attention today, I really don't care cause I had my baby. She made my day so much better than I thought it would've been if I had have gotten in the car with her. I wish I could have left with my girl and not come to school and spent the whole day with her and my nephew, Navian. I want so bad to see him and spend time with him, and play with him. My baby is so sweet. I wish today could have been the day that she gave me my ring but I know that its not possible right now. Sometimes I wonder if I really should let her buy it for me right now, and just wait until we can actually be together and be around each other without worrying about anything. Something I wonder though is what was my issue today. I mean I was extremely happy that she came to see me but my face wouldn't show it. It was weird. I bet she probably think that I didn't want to see her or kiss her the way I did, but the truth is I've missed her like crazy. Maybe it was do to the lack of sleep that I've been getting the pass couple of days. I wish I had the chance right now to tell her that I loved having my lips pressed against hers, my body against her when we hugged, and playing with her nose while we talked. I loved being with her and I wished I had her jacket in my backpack so she could have gotten it from me. Maybe next time she'll tell me that she is coming to see me and then I'll know if I should be waiting on her or not. But anyway. I am super happy that my booh made a extra specail trip to Southaven, MS. to see me and make me smile. I know now what I really mean to her.